Dang! Am I really a failure? Am I really that 1 person in the family that didn't succeed at anything in life? Don't have my own place. Don't have the ability to see my kids. Been arrested. My job doesn't pay overly well. What am I really doing with my life? What do I have to show for the last 36 years?
Yes, I ask myself these questions. Yes, these questions consume my thoughts at times during my life. But I know that I'm not a failure. I'm clearly not where I want to be in life, but I haven't stopped fighting for my goals. The moment I stop fighting, that's when I become a failure.
I have 2 amazing boys that need me to keep fighting. I have the desire to get remarried and have a family that will need me to fight. There have been some rough things that have hit me like a ton of bricks and knocked me off my feet. But not 1 time have I stayed down. Did I use all of that standing 8 count (boxing reference) to gather myself? I sure did. And after that, I got back to fighting. I made some financial adjustments here, and some friend adjustments there, and kept on moving.
It sucked and was completely humbling to have to move back home with my parents after my separation. But I was extremely grateful to have parents that were in a position to welcome me back. They allowed me the opportunity to take that entire 8 count again so I could gather myself.
I haven't gotten jobs that I applied for, where I was over qualified. I haven't gotten jobs that I met the requirements for. But not at any time has there been no money for me to handle my responsibilities. I have always trusted God to have my back. He's proven it to me time and time again that He will be there for me. He is my provider. And I know I can't be out here wasting what he's provided for me.
His provisions are what reminds me that I'm not a failure. His provisions are the things that make it possible for me to keep me going day in and day out. He is the one that pays my bills, and puts food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and makes sure my kids don't lack for anything. He makes it possible for me to go out and fight each day to prove that I'm not a failure.
Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the thoughts that I have for your life, says the Lord. Thoughts of good and not evil. To prosper you and bring you to an expected end". I'm not at the point where God wants me to be, so I will continue to fight. I will fight until my last day because...
I AM NOT A FAILURE!!